Regrets I've Had A Few
by SherryGabs
Summary: Tony hopes his relationship with Gibbs has withstood his undercover relationship with Jeanne Benoit. Gibbs/DiNozzo, DiNozzo/Jeanne, Gibbs/OC.


**Regrets… I've Had A Few**

By SherryGabs

Rated: T (to be safe)

Summary: Tony hopes his relationship with Gibbs has withstood his undercover relationship with Jeanne Benoit. Gibbs/DiNozzo, DiNozzo/Jeanne, Gibbs/OC.

Warnings: Slash and het, but nothing too graphic. Some language.

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of NCIS (heavy sigh). However, Alan is my own creation.

Notes: This is a different direction for me. I totally couldn't stand the whole Tony/Jeanne/Frog/Jenny thing throughout season 4 and 5, but this idea has been festering around in my mind for a while and won't let go. I've written slash for another fandom, but this is the first for NCIS and I probably won't do it again; but who knows. Writing this might also get my muse and energy revitalized to continue with "Fading Away".

Set during season 5. Spoilers for Hiatus, Internal Affairs and maybe a few in-between; however, not everything will be canon.

Not beta'd, so all mistakes are mine.

"Was any of it real?" she'd asked, standing outside the elevator, staring Tony directly in the eyes.

A long moment of soul searching, he answered in the only way he knew he could. To spare her, even if it did smash his own heart. "No."

"I wish I'd never met you."

With the closing of the elevator doors, Tony knew Jeanne Benoit was out of his life forever.

He could understand her anger. Could understand how his betrayal and hurt would compel her to accuse him of murdering her father. In her pain, she just wanted to lash out at him.

Now a few weeks later, he was still aching somewhat, but knew he'd done the right thing. Ziva and Gibbs had both talked to him. It was especially hard taking advice and empathy from Gibbs. Tony couldn't understand how the man could even look him in the eye, let alone talk to him. He'd hurt Gibbs terribly and that was an ache that would last much longer than Jeanne's leaving.

Looking across the bull pen at the man in question, Tony knew Gibbs had also somehow been hurt by Jenny Shepard. Since she'd been cleared of the death of the Frog and the meeting the two had had in her office, Gibbs had been giving the director the cold shoulder, only talking to her when absolutely necessary. Tony was pissed at the woman, too. She'd encouraged him to lie and keep up the affair with Jeanne, even though it had been obvious since near the beginning that the young woman knew nothing of her father's illegal deals.

At least Gibbs was putting up a good front, Tony observed. He watched Gibbs as he talked on the phone, eyes sparkling and a toothy grin lighting up his face. He thought Gibbs must be talking to Abby or Ducky. Those two could certainly bring the best out in the boss.

Tony frowned and remembered back to when _he _could do that to Gibbs. He would make those blue eyes blaze with desire and happiness. He could make the marine quiver and moan with the right touch or lingering kiss. Gibbs gave as good as he got. Tony's face flushed as he recalled how skillful Gibbs was in his lovemaking.

They'd been happy until the explosion; the tragedy that robbed his lover of his memories of the past 15 years. Before leaving for Mexico, Gibbs had assured Tony that he remembered their relationship and wanted it to continue. He just needed time to get his memories in order and deal with the feelings he was having regarding the deaths of those sailors and reliving the trauma of the murders of his first wife and child.

Tony understood and told him to take all the time he needed and that he would wait for him. Gibbs did come back, sooner than expected, to help Ziva out of her mess then stayed to help Fornell with _his _problem. When Gibbs decided to stay on, Tony was happy to hand the reigns back over, and happy to have Gibbs back in his arms again. But Gibbs _had _to get rid of that damn mustache!

Things were going well again… until Director Shepard asked Tony if he'd like to do some undercover work.

That's when things started to fall apart. Tony would disappear from the office with a flimsy excuse or no excuse at all. His visits to Gibbs' house were becoming fewer and further between. Until they ceased altogether.

He hadn't expected to fall in love with Jeanne. Tony didn't think a woman could ever feel for him the way she did. Of course, he'd encouraged it, ignoring the nagging little voice that reminded him it was all based on lies. Also ignoring the hurt, confused looks Gibbs would shoot at him. Nothing was ever said between them about the end of their relationship. Eventually, Gibbs stopped trying to figure it out and never let Tony see him as anything but his boss from then on.

Tony assumed the presence of Lt. Colonel Mann had something to do with it. The two were very flirty, but he could never be sure if they'd slept together, since Gibbs no longer confided in him. He hadn't even heard her name mentioned in quite some time and wondered if whatever it was they'd had was over.

He most certainly still had feelings for his boss. It had been a huge mistake to follow Jenny's advice and allow himself to also have strong feelings for Jeanne. Tony looked away and wondered if Gibbs still had thoughts of him. If by some slim chance Jethro would forgive him and let him back in his life and in his bed. How he missed the intimate closeness they'd shared. Unlike with Jeanne, Tony could be himself around Gibbs. The older man had always accepted him as he was, faults and all.

Now that the seed had been planted, Tony couldn't get the idea out of his mind. Maybe Gibbs would understand how easy it could be to fall for someone you're sent to get close to and spy on. After all, he'd done plenty of undercover work in his long career; although Tony could not remember a time when Gibbs had admitted to doing such a thing.

Talking himself into it, Tony decided to show up at Gibbs' house that evening with a six-pack and a long-winded, heart-felt apology.

When Gibbs opened his front door that evening, the last person he expected to see standing on his porch was his second-in-command.

"DiNozzo." Gibbs eyes went from Tony's face to the beer and back to his face again, his own expression blank.

"Hey, Gibbs," Tony swallowed nervously and held up the beer. "It's been a while since I've been here and I thought we could share these and… uh… talk about things."

Gibbs had to wonder just what Tony wanted to talk about. _Probably still pining over that Benoit woman, _he figured. As much as he didn't particularly want to discuss that subject, he'd never turned away a team member before and wouldn't start now. Standing aside, he nodded for Tony to come inside.

Instead of heading towards the basement where Tony assumed Gibbs would want to go, he was slightly surprised when Gibbs pointed him towards the living room. He settled on the couch, putting the six-pack on the coffee table. He took one and handed it to Gibbs as the man sat down in the arm chair. Tony grabbed a bottle for himself and noted how comfortable Gibbs looked in his well-worn blue jeans and sweatshirt. He recalled the feel of the warm skin underneath that shirt.

Gibbs twisted the cap off his and tossed it onto the coffee table. "So… what are we talking about?"

Tony looked down a moment, twisting the cold, wet bottle between his hands, mustering up his courage to broach the subject. "I've, uh, screwed things up royally lately."

Gibbs sigh was silent. "You talking about Jeanne?"

Tony looked up at him. "Partially. But I know I never should have let it get as far as it did."

"No you shouldn't have," Gibbs agreed, taking a swallow of beer. "Never fall for your target."

Tony shrugged. "It was pretty easy to do. And that's the way Jen—um—Director Shepard wanted it."

Gibbs shook his head in mild disgust. "She played you!" At Tony's frown, he continued. "Shepard knew damn well you'd probably fall for the girl. That's why she gave you the job." He pointed his finger a Tony. "And before you say the director ordered you to sleep with Jeanne, forget it! That's bullshit! She cannot order any agent to sleep with an undercover target. It's strictly voluntary. Whatever you did with Miss Benoit was your own doing."

Red-faced at the truth, Tony knew Gibbs was right. He couldn't blame Jenny. She had never actually _ordered _him into bed with Jeanne. She might have hinted, but to actually do it had been his own choice.

"I know!" Tony slammed his bottle down. Heaving out a breath, Tony closed his eyes and reigned in his frustration. Opening his eyes again, he kept them downcast. "I've never had a woman actually love me the way she did. She could see a future for us and I let myself fall into that fantasy."

"Based on what?" Gibbs' feelings of betrayal were getting the better of his emotions. He stood up from the chair and raised his voice. "Everything she knew about you was a lie! What the hell did you think would happen once the operation was over? That she'd just forgive you and you'd both live happily ever after? Instead you helped ruin an innocent woman's life!"

Tony nodded his head, but couldn't say anything. Gibbs sure had a way of cutting to the truth of the matter… right to the bone.

Gibbs wanted to throw his bottle against the wall remembering the pain and confusion he'd felt the year before when Tony had left him. Instead, he dropped back down into the chair and let the anger drain away. Finally, after a few moments, he asked quietly, "Why, Tony?"

Tony's mind went through all the _why's _that could cover that question. It was a long silence before he admitted, "I could see us in a house in the suburbs, white picket fence, couple of kids, a dog…"

Gibbs nodded his head. "Family. The one thing that I couldn't give you."

"I let myself get wrapped up in that dream," Tony admitted sadly. "In the back of my mind, I knew it would never be; but I couldn't seem to stop myself."

"I understand," Gibbs said, knowing Tony had missed out on a happy family life as a child and would crave the whole 'Leave It To Beaver' scenario.

"I know how you feel about apologies-" Tony started.

"What's past is past," Gibbs waved his arm. "Don't worry about it."

"I know I hurt you," Tony was determined to get his point across. "I feel so bad about that. You should be pissed as hell!"

Gibbs had to concede on that point. "I was." And he _had _been. Pissed, confused, betrayed, he'd felt them all. "I let a little bit of that show tonight remembering how it felt, but I'm not angry or hurt anymore. Haven't been in a long time."

Tony stared at Gibbs and observed a thoughtful, contented look cross his face. He supposed he should thank the female Army CID agent for putting that look there.

"I guess you and Colonel Mann hit it off then," he summed up, feeling his chances of making up with the older man slipping away.

Gibbs looked confused. "Hollis Mann?"

Tony picked his bottle back up, playing with it, yet to open it. "Yeah. You two looked pretty cozy when you were working together." He tried to keep the jealousy out of his voice.

Gibbs snorted, amused. "We had fun flirting, but that's all it was. We never got together; just good friends. She retired and moved to Hawaii a few months ago."

Tony's heart leaped. _Maybe I do still have a chance. _He finally opened his bottle and took a long swig, getting his courage up. Gibbs admitted to no longer being hurt, wasn't with the colonel; he was a free agent. Now if he could only get Gibbs to think about him as a man again, a potential lover, and not only his senior field agent. He shifted closer to the end of the couch, closer to Gibbs' chair.

"Gibbs… I know I have no right to ask. I know I ruined things between us last year. But I still—"

The thought and the words '_have feelings for you and still love you_' were interrupted by the opening and closing of the front door.

Both men looked up to see a tall man walk in, stopping to hang up his jacket and drop an overnight bag down on the floor. He stopped at the living room entry on his way to the kitchen, holding a brown paper shopping bag.

"Hey Jethro. I know I'm late," he held up the bag, "but I brought ice cream to make up for it. Vienna Mocha Chunk, your favorite."

Gibbs' eyes lit up with pleasure. "You're always feeding my addictions."

"That's my job." His eyes turned to Tony and entered the room fully. "Who's your friend?"

Tony looked up at the man while his heart plummeted once again. The guy was tall, a head taller than Gibbs. And around 220 pounds of muscle. Marine muscle if his uniform was real. Just a few years younger than Gibbs maybe, judging by his graying blond hair. And handsome; good looking in a masculine way.

Gibbs looked at Tony and noticed the stricken expression before Tony could hide it. He had a feeling he knew what Tony was about to ask.

"Tony DiNozzo, my senior field agent." He then nodded towards the man. "Tony, this is Master Sergeant Alan Grant."

Alan's eyes showed recognition at Tony's name. "I've heard a lot about you, Tony. Jethro likes to talk about his agents." His deep voice resonated clearly.

He went over to shake Tony's hand. Tony could see that Gibbs had told him about their relationship judging from the wary look the tall Marine was giving him and the vise-like grip of his handshake.

Tony resisted wincing, saying, "Nice to meet you."

"Want some ice cream?" Alan asked, obviously not really meaning it.

"Uh, no. I can't stay." Tony's throat and chest were constricted. He could barely force air down let alone ice cream.

"I'll just put this in the freezer then." Alan eyed Gibbs on his way out.

As he was passed, Jethro mouthed to him silently, "Down boy!"

Alan grinned on his way to the kitchen.

Neither Gibbs nor Tony said anything for the amount of time it took Alan to go to the freezer, then return grabbing his overnight bag on the way.

"I'm gonna go up and shower. Need to wash off the smell of politicians."

Gibbs smiled at the words and nodded. When Alan was upstairs, Gibbs sighed and looked at Tony. "I think I know what you were going to ask."

Tony hung his head. "God, I am such an idiot!" It never occurred to him that Gibbs might have hooked up with another man. He'd never hinted at being in a recent relationship with one. "When—um—how long?"

"About seven months ago. I've known him for around 25 years. We've had a few flings over the years, but the circumstances were never right for a serious relationship. This time it was."

"Because I left you," Tony's eyes stung as he added, "for someone I could never have a future with."

Gibbs agreed silently. He felt bad for Tony, but his relationship with Alan was on a deeper level than his and Tony's had ever been. Alan knew about his past, his loves, his jobs, everything; he'd lived through parts of it with him. Alan knew Jethro could be a bastard with a capital B and let it slide off him. After all, he could be just as big a bastard.

"Do any of the others know about him? About your relationship?" Tony had to know if he was the only one kept in the dark.

"McGee and Ziva met him a couple of times at the office when he and I got together for lunch. Abby met him here once. I just told her he needed a place to stay for the night and she accepted that. I don't think any of them have figured out we're together. We can't exactly be open because he's still in the service and it could hurt his career."

Tony thought back over the last several months. "I don't remember ever seeing him at the office."

Gibbs looked down at his bottle, wishing he didn't have to be blunt. "You weren't there a lot of the time."

Tony winced. "Oh, yeah."

He wished now he'd never come over tonight. His heart was truly breaking and he had no one to blame but himself. He should have known it would be a waste of time when he thought about it. Not only about Alan, because when Gibbs gives his heart and love to someone and that person rejects him, he doesn't give second chances.

Tony chuckled wryly. "I really have blown it, haven't I? I always seem to want to have my cake and eat it, too. I can never be happy with what I already have."

"You can still have that dream, Tony." Gibbs pointed out quietly. "A family. You're still young enough. You have a lot to offer a woman if you just give yourself a chance. Just be yourself. Let her see the side of you that I always saw. Just be honest with her… and yourself."

Tony briefly looked back on many of his past relationships. They were usually short-lived and any affection faked. He wasn't sure if he knew how to be himself-his real self-with a woman.

He cleared his throat. "I always figured I wasn't enough for the type of woman I wanted. What I defined as the _perfect _woman. I always figured they'd want some suave, designer-clothed, Bond wannabe with the world at his fingertips and a car worth showing off. So that's what I tried to be, but it never worked. I usually just ended up looking like a jerk."

"That's not the real you, is it?" Gibbs pointed out. "And your definition of the perfect woman is way out of reach for most men. How many women have you not given a second look to because they didn't have a perfect face, hair, or body? You're not going to find a _real _woman in a Barbie doll frontage with an unlimited trust fund. You need to look at what's in their personality and in their hearts. And _you _need to let them see the _real_ Anthony DiNozzo. Not a James Bond or Thomas Magnum figurine; or some immature fratboy."

Gibbs leaned forward and put his beer bottle on the coffee table. Resting his elbows on his knees, he eyed Tony pointedly. "If you just give yourself a chance, be confident, and lower your blinders some you might just find the perfect woman has been serving you coffee for two years, the one with the mole in the middle of her forehead. Maybe the perfect woman owns the flower shop around the corner and always has dirty hands. Or the short nurse who empties your bedpan the next time you get reckless on the job and end up in the hospital."

Tony had to smile at the pictures planted in his mind. Maybe his boss was right. Maybe he didn't need to try to regain an old love, but find the one who would give him what he'd always dreamed of. He knew now that Gibbs would most likely never be his again and that would take some time to get over. But eventually he would. His ex-lover had given him hope when he should have given him a punch on the jaw. But the man had been right; Tony would never find love, a good woman, or peace in his life unless he was being true to himself and honest with her.

"Thanks, Gibbs. I think I understand," Tony said quietly, with an appreciation that showed in his eyes. He stood up and walked around the coffee table. "I better get going. I'm sure Alan's waiting for you." He couldn't quite hide the tinge of sadness in his voice that Alan now had what had been his… the affections of Jethro.

Gibbs stood up and walked Tony to the door. Before Tony could walk off the porch, Gibbs grabbed his elbow. "Tony."

Tony turned back around with a question in his expression. "Yeah?"

Gibbs let go of his arm and leaned against the door frame. "I don't regret anything you and I had. It was good while it lasted, but Alan… he's what I need."

Instead of pleading with '_What does he do for you that I couldn't?' _Tony asked calmly, "In what ways?"

Gibbs looked down thinking of the right words to say, then looked up again into Tony's eyes, hoping he'd understand. "He's a lot like I am. We have the same temperament, the same outlook on things. He doesn't put up with crap from me and isn't afraid to put me in my place. There's nothing I have to hide from him like I felt I've had to hide from everyone before. He was there through some of it, if not as a lover, then as a friend." A small smile graced his lips. "He likes boats as much as I do and has been helping me with my current one. Alan's just… good for me."

"You love him." As much as it hurt to say it, Tony could see it was true.

"Yeah." Gibbs answered. "And he loves me."

_I loved you, too. _Tony knew that whatever romantic love Gibbs had had for him was gone, but he still wanted the man to be happy.

"Is he good to you?"

"Yes." Gibbs eyes reflected his thoughts of how Alan treated him with respect, honor, love and devotion. "A little mother-henning at times, but that's part of his charm."

Tony could easily see that Gibbs had it bad for Alan. He decided he couldn't feel bad for the man who'd given him so much help and friendship over the years. He owed Gibbs his loyalty and support.

"That's good, 'cuz if he wasn't good to you," Tony puffed out his chest in an attempt to look threatening. "I'd have to kick his ass." Quickly letting out the air and grinning impishly, he thought of the size of the man and added, "Then he'd kick mine ten-fold and spit on the grave he'd make me dig for myself."

Gibbs chuckled. "Nah, Alan wouldn't desecrate a grave by spitting on it. The rest? Well…" Gibbs shrugged, letting the rest slide.

Tony laughed, but then sobered. "Seriously, though, I'm glad you have him. I'm glad you're happy."

"Thanks, Tony."

As Tony turned around again to leave, Gibbs stopped him once more.

"Could you keep this to yourself for now? Alan retires in six months. After that we don't care who knows."

"Sure, I understand. Won't say a thing. What does he do for the Marines?" Tony asked, more curious about the man.

"Way back, he was in Special Ops, like I was. For most of his career, he's been a Drill Instructor for new recruits. He's finishing out his last year working at the Pentagon. When he retires, he plans on building a garage and restoring classic cars." Gibbs face showed his pride in his lover. "He's really good at it."

"Classic cars, huh?" Tony's eyes turned dreamy for a moment. "I've always loved the classics."

"Could have used his help when I was trying to restore a '72 Charger when I was a kid." Gibbs remembered exactly how he intended the car to look. "Never did get the thing running."

Tony moved slightly closer. "Alan's been a big part of your life, obviously. How come you've never mentioned him before?"

Gibbs shrugged. "Subject never came up, I guess."

Tony nodded, knowing Gibbs was never one to share much about his personal life. Tony had never pushed him because he respected the other man's privacy. Then again, he himself hadn't been privy to Gibbs' personal life in quite a while because he'd drawn himself away from it.

"Guess I'll head home now, Boss. See you tomorrow."

Gibbs still could sense an underlying weariness in Tony's demeanor. "You gonna be okay?"

"Yeah, I will be." Tony breathed out a long breath. "You gave me some things to think about. That'll help."

"Okay. See ya tomorrow." He hoped what Tony said was true.

Five minutes later, Gibbs walked into his bedroom holding two bowls of his favorite ice cream. Alan sat on the bed against the headboard reading a book. Fresh from his shower, his short hair was still damp and he looked relaxed lounging there in his boxers.

Laying the book down on the nightstand, he held out a hand for one of the bowls. "Everything okay?" His eyes searched Gibbs for any sign of stress.

"Best as it could be, I guess," Gibbs answered, handing over one of the bowls and kicking off his shoes before settling down next to his lover. In-between bites and occasional moans of Vienna Mocha Chunk bliss he went over the reason behind Tony's visit and the talk they'd had.

"Guess I could have been a bit nicer to him, huh?" Alan asked, finishing his ice cream and setting the bowl on the nightstand next to his book.

"Well, you didn't have to come across as the overgrown bad-ass Marine that you are," Gibbs smirked and rolled his eyes, showing he really wasn't angry.

"Hard to change my spots after all these years. Think you would have done any different if one of my exes had shown up trying to get me back?" Alan challenged him with an amused gleam in his eyes. "I think I controlled myself quite well."

Gibbs had to admit to himself that he probably would have become very territorial if the situation were reversed.

"He hurt you when he left you hanging. I know it had to hurt." Alan's hand went to Gibbs' head and stroked down its back.

"Yeah, it did," Gibbs admitted, letting the spoon drop into his empty bowl and set it on his nightstand. He sighed and scooted down slightly so his head could rest on Alan's chest. Alan adjusted himself down to make it more comfortable and put his arm around his partner's shoulders.

Gibbs ran his fingers through Alan's chest hair. "I know I'm not the easiest person to be with." He didn't need to see that Alan was sneering in agreement. "I just couldn't figure out what I'd done wrong at the time."

"_You _didn't do anything wrong, Jethro." Alan knew him well enough to know that Jethro would try to find fault with himself. The man could carry guilt around like an old overcoat. "It was all on him."

_No, not completely. _Gibbs wondered if he would have tried to talk to Tony about it way back then, instead of just keeping silent-if he had fought for their relationship, if things would have turned out different.

Then he felt Alan kiss the top of his head and pull him closer.

Gibbs sighed in pleasure. Alan made him feel secure and loved in ways that Tony hadn't. Tony was always happy to have Gibbs be the one in control, the stronger one. He had sometimes found it stressful to have to be the bossat work _and _in their private relationship. It wasn't always the same, sometimes Tony would be in the mood to be the aggressor, but not often enough. It was also very hard at times to keep the two lives separate. How often had their intimate lives crept into the workplace and interfered with keeping things professional? How often had it proved to be dangerous?

With Alan, there was no such stress since they didn't have a working relationship to deal with. They were also equals in the bedroom, each seeming to know what the other needed without needing to ask. After a long, bad day Gibbs was more than happy to open himself up to Alan and let him fuck him into an exhaustion that would keep him from having nightmares. And who would have known the former drill instructor loved to be cuddled?

Maybe it was because they'd known each other so long and were so very comfortable with each other. Gibbs needed Alan and Alan needed Gibbs. Their strengths complemented each others. Barring his first love Shannon, Gibbs had _never _been so content with anyone.

Gibbs decided right then and there to never question what-could-have-beens again. Everything he needed was right there beside him, holding him in his strong arms. He had loved Tony and had been hurt by him, but it led to one of the best things that had ever happened to him. Who was he to question it?

"Things worked out for the best, though, didn't they?" Gibbs asked, lifting his head to look into Alan's eyes. "If all that hadn't happened, we would have missed another opportunity to finally get together after all these years." He raised himself far enough to give Alan a deep kiss, running his hand along the stubbled cheek. "We've had too many missed opportunities."

Alan used his strength to pull Gibbs on top of himself. He held Gibbs' head and kissed him back gently, rubbing his thumbs over the silver-haired temples. Moaning he broke the kiss. "I plan on making this opportunity last forever."

Gibbs looked into Alan's blue eyes and adored the look of devotion in them. "Here's to a long ride."

Gibbs initiated another kiss and growled seductively when he felt the meaty pair of hands run down his sides and grab his ass.

"Speaking of rides," Alan's warm, caring eyes turned a bit more lustful. "Time to lose the jeans, Gunny."

Gibbs grinned mischievously. "You pulling rank on me, Master Sergeant?"

"Hoo-rah!"

Tony closed his apartment door and tossed his keys on the table next to it. Walking to the stereo, he tuned to a golden oldies station in the mood for something old and mellow. _Thank the powers that be for satellite radio! _The Andrew Sisters were working their way through "Rum and Coca-Cola".

He walked to his fridge thinking a rum and Coke sounded good, but he didn't have any rum… or Coke for that matter.Searching through the measly contents, Tony settled on leftover chicken fried rice that still smelled okay and warmed it in the microwave.

Settling on his couch, Tony put his feet up on the coffee table and relaxed back into the soft leather. He tapped his foot to the calypso beat and thought about his evening.

While sorting his thoughts the song changed and Ole Blue Eyes started belting out one of his greatest tunes in, Tony's opinion. He listened to the lyrics as the song progressed.

_Regrets I've had a few  
But then again too few to mention  
I did what I had to do  
And saw it through without exemption_

Tony snorted. "A few regrets? More than that I'm afraid, Frankie."

_Yes there were times I'm sure you knew  
When I bit off more than I could chew  
But through it all when there was doubt  
I ate it up and spit it out, I faced it all  
And I stood tall and did it my way_

I've loved, I've laughed and cried  
I've had my fill, my share of losing  
And now as tears subside  
I find it all so amusing 

"No, not so amusing. Maybe someday."

_For what is a man what has he got_

_If not himself then he has not_

_To say the things he truly feels_

_And not the words of one who kneels_

_The record shows I took the blows_

_And did it my way _

"Yeah, I've always done everything in my own way."

Thinking of the lyrics Tony sighed and decided he was tired of taking the blows and doing his share of losing. He only had himself and no one else to set the direction of his life. He had to be the creator of his own destiny.

Gibbs had been right. He had to stop trying to be someone else and be happy with who he was. Only then, when he was comfortable in his own skin, could he find peace and contentment. It would take some effort on his part. After all, he had a lifetime of actions born of habit. That wasn't going to change overnight. But he could do it…

In his own way.

The End

_"My Way" _by Frank Sinatra

_"Rum and Coca-Cola" _by The Andrew Sisters

In Alan, I've created a character that I actually like. Despite what I said at the top, I may just have to use him again. *grin*

Let me know if you liked the story. Hope you did.


End file.
